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Title: "Pedicabo ego vos et irrumabo"
Rating: R for insults
Genre: Comedy
Fandom: "The Ninth Eagle"
Characters, Esca, Marcus
Beta: None
A/N: written for this prompt at [livejournal.com profile] the_eagle_kink :)
Disclaimer: Not mine, never mine :)

Summary: Esca snaps during a formal dinner. Hilarity ensues :)


In Esca's defence, it had been a very long day. He had had to put up with Romans who were born lower than him insinuating they were better because they were not British, the horses had been fidgety the entire journey to yet another dinner in Marcus' honour, the food would have been better if they had got someone else to cook, and he had to sit and listen to people tell Marcus which brothel was the best for pliant British girls.

However, he would have held back, merely sworn in British the entire journey back, letting Marcus think that he was talking to the horses, when he was praying to Bel to cause them to be infertile, to Macha that they would never be able to read again, and to Elphane to strike them with boils on their arse so that they couldn't walk anywhere let alone sit and spout the sheer rubbish that they were doing.

He really would have.

Unfortunately, Placidus had been invited, and the jibes against Marcus grew more vile and indirect as the night progressed, while Marcus, either ignored them, or more likely, didn't hear them. Esca sat on his hands in attempt to not just strangle the man in retribution, until Placidus leaned over, took a long slurp of his wine, and said to Marcus:

"I highly recommend the brothel in Calleva, it's perfect for those who like ..." he gestured rudely, "the more unpleasant aspects of sex, you may find yourself in good company."

Marcus didn't get a chance to speak.

Esca stood up, walked over and hauled up Placidus by his ear, and he may have spoken slightly louder than intended.

"You will take that back right now, or I will fuck you in the face!"

So maybe Esca didn't notice the musicians clattering to a halt, or the shriek of shock from one of the servers, or even the look on Marcus' face as he hauled Placidus outside and threw him into the pigsty.

He did, however, notice the clap of Marcus' hand on his shoulder as Placidus flailed in the mud and shit, speechless for once in his insufferable life.

He turned round, and saw Marcus' 'I am trying not to laugh, I really am' face. Marcus leaned over the fence and called to Placidus, still lying on the ground, whimpering as his hands found more pigshit instead of mud.

"I am terribly sorry Tribune. Esca, his culture, they do not take kindly to insults from those who have not proven themselves in battle! Be glad he only threw you in the pigsty and threatened to fuck your face, he could have called for his gods to strike you with a disease to make your cock wither and die, or challenged you to a fight! I'll send for a slave to come help you out!"

Marcus turned Esca round, and, keeping his hand on Esca's shoulder, steered him towards the stables where one of the hst's slaves had already saddled the horses.

Esca finally got Marcus to let go, and turned on him.

Only to see Marcus bending at the knees, laughing his head off.

"Esca, the sight of Placidus in the pigsty will be the death of me!"

Esca looked at him.

"You do realise what he was saying about you?"

Marcus got himself under control, and nodded, still with a smile on his face.

"Yes, and before you jumped in, I had been going to ask him how he got first-hand knowledge of such a place."

He stepped forward, and clasped Esca's arm.

"It was noble of you to defend me Esca, and for that I thank you. Even if it was not what I expected."

Esca sighed, and shrugged Marcus' hand off his arm, walking over and getting on his horse.

"It may noble, but it would have been more satisfying if he had been given a long-deserved whipping."

Marcus, in the process of getting on his own horse, barked a short laugh, and started off.

"That would have been satisfying indeed! Come, Esca, let's see who's the faster."

Esca merely, gave his horse a quick prod, and cantered off, a small smile playing on his face.


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