"It was sex pollen!" (Or, how to have a weird day on the USS Enterprise)

[amine_eyes]

Title: "It was sex pollen!" (Or, how to have a weird day on the USS Enterprise)
Pairing: Jim Kirk / Leonard McCoy
Authors: amine_eyes  and brytewolf  :D
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: Oh God we most certainly do not own xD
A/N: I ... honestly don't know how this came about xD Started as a reply to brytewolf 's "Horseflesh and Cowboy Hats" comment fic on the Daily Captain and Daily Doctor feature on jim_and_bones , and randomly grew into ... well, epic crack of crackness. I think that's the only way to describe it xD. I hope you enjoy it as much as we did when writing :)
Warnings: Highlight to see - [Crack, swearing, implicit rimming, voyeurism]

 

 

"I'm sorry Jim, she lost all coherence when she read brytewolf 's latest piece about us and horses."

"Ah well Bones, we'll leave her here to burble away happily away while we go and have rampant sex."

"This is crazy, Jim. Why would they care if there are horses?"

"Well, Bones, you remember when Spock made that comment about me being a stallion? Apparently spontaneous fangasms. And the repercussions are still being felt."

"Dear god, Jim. That's terrifying!! Oh, and how did they find out we're having sex?"

"You don't wanna know."

 "...so you're telling me that you made a sex-tape of us having sex, and somehow it leaked onto this prehistoric device called the internet?"

"... Yes?"

"Damnit Jim, I'm a doctor not a pornstar!"

"Well, you're pretty good at that too - all 'o' faces and stretched back, wanna look at the latest vid?"

*THWACK*

 "You wanna know how you can make it up to me?"

"Make what up to you, kid?"

"The ugly bump on my head you keep trying to regen."

"Lemme guess...blowjob?"

"....Damn. I am that predictable."

 "Pretty much Jim, pretty much."

"Well then you can - OH GOD! Damn your mouth is good!"

"What was that Bones? Can't hear you.... Ohhhhhh ... right there ..."

"Oh, Bones, fuck --"

"Fuck! Don't stop Bones, why -- *whimper*"

"Promise me, Jim, that you won't put up any more videos of us. THIS is mine, and I don't share with anyone. Understood?"


"Gah - yes - just - GodDAMN Bones I - AH!!"

"Mph ... Jim ..."

...

"Did you understand?"

"You keep giving me blowjobs like that everytime I post a video of us having sex; I'm going to keep doing it!"

*Bones' head connects with desk*

"Why am I in love with a juvenile?"

"No, Darlin'...How bout this. If you promise not to video tape us again, I'll give you a blow job like that every day?"

*15 minutes later*

"It's a deal! How about we start right now? Just, um, not in this room."

"...Jim. What rooms ARE safe from the cameras?"

"You don't want me to answer that Bones, you really, really don't."

"Jimmmmmm!!!"

*cue Jim running through the ship, chased by a rather angry Bones.*

*Bones catches up to Jim in the Sickbay, capturing him against the wall. The occupants of the Sickbay wisely exit the facilities.*

"Um, baby, I'm sorry?? How bout I make it up to you somehow?!?"

*Bones raises an eyebrow, contemplating* 

"How would you make it up?"

"Well ..." *Jim breaks free and pins Bones against the wall* "How about like this?"

*sinks down*

*Thud as Bones' head hits the wall*

 

"Ow! Damn it, kid! Now I'm gonna need one of the nurses to fix my concussion!"

*Bones pauses, his hand at the bump on his head*

"Hey, that gives me an idea."

*Goes to one of the supply closets, and pulls out one of the nurse informs*

 

*Jim's jaw drops*

"You're ... going ... to wear ... a nurse's uniform?"

*Bones looks up from where's balling it into a ball*

"No you idiot, I won't fit! Using it as cushioning for my head."

*places it behind his head, leans back against the wall, and puts one hand on Jim's head*

"Now ... where were we?"

 

*Jim straddles Bones' hips, rocking forward against him*

"I was going to show you how much I appreciate all the great material you've given me for the videos."

*Bones gives patented Bones-Glare. Jim kisses it off.*

"How bout this, kid? I'll give you one more video -- and I promise to make it the best one. IF you wear that nurse's uniform for it."

 

"Really???"

"No posting it though. Just for ... our use."

"I can deal with that Bones, I can deal ..."

*Bones kisses him deeply, and Jim moves his arm from pinning Bones to cradling Bones' head*

"Tonight Jim ... once we're off shift ..."

*Jim looks into his eyes*

"So you're going to go through the rest of your shift like that?" *Jim's hand brushes Bones' groin*

*Bones shifts slightly*

 

*Bones growls softly at Jim's teasing, and glances around the room*

"It seems that, for the moment, we have the Sickbay to ourselves."

*He starts unfastening Jim's pants, while grinding their hips together*

"Well, baby...I'll solve your problem now...if -- tonight -- you wear one of those nurse uniforms too."

*Bones' eyebrow rises, but he's distracted as Jim's hand brushes over his groin once again*

 

*Bones cants his hips forward*

"Stop being such a damn tease Jim!"

*evil grin appears on Jim's face*

"Bones ... this isn't teasing ..." *unzips Bones' pants* "THIS -" he lowers down so mouth is level with Bones' hips* "is teasing Bones."

*proceeds to kiss the tops and the inner of Bones' thighs*

"Jim ..."

 

*Jim continues worshiping Bones' thighs with his tongue, making sure he touches everywhere -- except where Bones wants it most*

*Whimper*

"Darlin, please..."

*The door opens, and Christine Chapel enters the Sickbay. She sees what's happening against the wall, and stops in her tracks*

"Oh god. I'm sorry, Doctor, Captain. Um. If I'd known the Sickbay was still...occupied...I wouldn't have come back."

 

"That's a pretty impressive flush you're pulling there Bones!"

"Jim, for the love of all that is holy, please, SHUT up right now."

"Look ... Nurse Chapel, I -"

"Hey, if she wants to stay, she -"

"Jim! Shut it! Now!"

*Christine raises an eyebrow*

"Do I not get a say in this Doctor? Captain?"

*She settles on the chair which is conveniently placed next to her, and pulls out a bag of popcorn*

 

*Jim grins, and turns back to Bones' thighs*

"Now, where was I..."

"You were getting UP!!"

"Well, it certainly looks like you're not having a problem KEEPING it up."

*Jim's grin turns wicked*

"I'm thinking you have a thing for voyeurism there, Bonesy, that you never told me about."

*Bones grumbles without making a real comment. Jim responds by stroking his cock long and slow*

"I'm also thinking that maybe you won't mind so much if we continue."

"It's the professionalism Jim, how am I supposed to -Oh GOD do that again!" *Bones arches into Jim's touch as he reaches and flicks his nipples*

"Jim I swear I'm going to kill you - if - ah - you - stop ...."

*Jim doesn't reply, he's too busy causing Bones to unravel*

"I must say Captain; you really do have a talented tongue."

*Bones opens his eyes and gives a half-hearted glare to Christine who's quite happily eating popcorn*

"Christine ... shut it. Please - Oh GOD Jim ..."

*Jim breaks off for a moment to kiss the top of Bones' thighs.

"By the way Nurse Chapel, where did you get the popcorn?"

"This?" *She holds up the bag* "We have a stash kept in here for when we have our video nights."

"Wouldn't you have the video nights in the rec room?"

"Not those video nights sir."

"Jim, do you really need to question? Right now?"

"Ah sorry Bones." *He licks his lips and then bends forward to swallow part of Bones' cock.*

"Nggggh ... Jesus Jim!"

*Christine takes her eyes off the scene before her for a moment, getting out her communicator and punching in a number. The two men are too distracted to pay attention -- that is, until she starts talking.*

"Don't question! Just get the girls, and meet me in the usual place!! Now!!!"

*Her comment raises Bones from his fog of lust and heat, and he looks at her*

"What are you doing?"

"Well, I told you 'we' have a stash kept here for our special movie nights. I just called the rest of the girls, cause I know they'll wanna watch too. This is too good to miss!"

*She starts eating her popcorn again, and Jim is grinning around the cock in his mouth.*

"Don't even stop, Darlin', or you won't find this funny anymore."

*Door opens, and in comes Nyota, Janice and a couple of others, all with popcorn and big grins on their faces. Jim stands up to greet them.*

"Ladies! How nice to see you!"

"Captain! Doctor!" *All settle on chairs, pass around the popcorn and alllll have big grins on their faces.*

"Well Captain, whenever you're ready!"

"Better does as Nyota says Darlin', or I will hurt you!"

"Will you stop saying Darlin'? You KNOW what that does!" *Jim goes to press at the base of his cock in response to the drawl*

*Bones grins evilly, and the girls all shiver delightedly at the sight*

"Well ... Darlin' ... if you're that bothered by it, I'll have to do something about it .... Darlin' ..."

*Bones steps forward and Jim steps back, until the back of his legs connect with a biobed.*

"This is SO much better than "Debbie does Space Dallas!"

"Janice shush! I can't hear the Darlin'!"

*Bones places several fingers in the center of Jim's chest, pushing him down on the biobed and straddling his hips, capturing the younger man's lips in his own and grinding their freed erections together.*

*Nyota's eyes get wide and then she begins digging through her purse.*

"Ah-ha!! I knew I had some in here!"

*Pulls out a tube and trots over, holding it out to Bones. He looks at it, and raises an eyebrow at her questioningly.*

"What? Spock and I like to experiment."

*Jim stops moving*

"... I don't even know if I want to know why you have the tube of lube on you at this moment."

*The girls look at Nyota who raises an eyebrow*

"So Nyota, if you have the lube, does that means that I get to use the camera?"

"RIGHT that is going TOO FAR!"

*Bones starts to get off the table, and the room erupts in cries of anguish*

"Bones! Ignore them! They won't film I promise! Just use the lube and let's get going! Come on Bones ... please?"

"..."

"... pwease?"

"Damnit Jim ... Chapel, I know you're not doing anything apart from staring, will you please get the nano-seal from the drawer?"

"Yes Doctor!"

*furious whispering from Janice and Nyota*

"Ladies?"

"Nothing Captain!"

*Chapel returns with the nano-seal*

"Here you go Doctor ..."

*Stares for a bit and then heads back to her seat*

*Bones shakes his head and goes to put the nano-seal on*

"Sometimes ... I wonder, I really do ... now Jim, where were we?"

"I think .... we were ... mph ... nggggh ... here ..."

*Cants his hips up into Bones grip, as Bones goes for the lube*

"Hows the video going?"

"Fine! I just wish the Doctor would move a bit so we can - Oh my word that is fiiiine ..."

"Nyota! You're not supposed to comment on his cock or ass!"

"Who cares! It's gorgeous!"

 "We know!! But it ruins the integrity of the video!"

"Hmmm. Good point. Ohhhhh...wow."

*The girls get quiet, mesmerized as Bones lifts Jim's leg closest to them, exposing him as he gently prepares Jim for entry. Jim moans and bucks against the finger.*

"His TECHNIQUE!!! Just look at that!"

"I KNOW. No wonder Jim can't get enough -- I always wondered why he was walking funny."

"You're dense sometimes Janice, you know that?"

"Hey! It's not my fault I couldn't imagine my wildest fantasies were actually TRUE!"

"I  knew."

"Well, you're cheating Nyota -- you share a bathroom with Jim, thanks to Spock!"

"I know a lot."

*The girls grin wickedly, knowing she'll share when the show is over.*

"I can - hear - you whispering!"

"I'm obviously not doing things right if you're able to speak Jim."

"Bones don't stop! Don't - GAH - oh - hell - yes - nggh!"

"Oh God I think his voice ... Jesus that makes me tremble!"

"And his ass ... I didn't know the doctor worked out so much, he is RIPPED!"

"Oh! Oh God! Look! He! He!"

"OMG HE DIDN'T."

"He did!!!!"

*Bones removes his tongue, and strokes his cock once, twice, before lining up with Jim*

"God-damn it Darlin', so ... ngggh ..."

"BONES!"

"Christine will you marry me! This is just ... ohhhh!"

"Janice, don't go too far! Just - Oh my god he's sliding in!!"

"Must! Prevent! Squeeing! Too! loudly!"

"Jesus Jim! So tight!"

 

*Bones pauses for a minute, giving Jim -- and the girls -- time to adjust (and get their collective breathing back under control*

*Jim closes his eyes, concentrating on relaxing them -- then opens them again*

"What the hell!!!"

"Sorry, Captain, just had to get some good shots! Can't let any of this go to waste!"

*Nyota shrugs, not in the least bit apologetic as she pushes the button to zoom in.*

*Bones looks around, sees that ALL the girls have gotten up and are circling their biobed with avid -- terrifying -- glee*

"See how he's cupping Jim's ass here, to open him and make insertion easier?"

"Yes, yes, Janice! Definitely the sign of a pro!"

"I wonder how much experience he has, Christine. This is crazy skills, right here!"

 

“ …”

"Bones?"

"Jim?"

"Do you think we can distract them and run for it? Only I'm getting REALLY freaked right now!"

"Not the only one, I don't mind a bit of voyeurism, but these girls are getting scary!"

"What's the plan then?"

"We have a plan?"

"Errrr ..."

"You okay Captain? Doctor?"

"Fine Janice! Oh - God - yes! Yes! YES!"

"Jim! Jesus! Oh - CRAP."

"Doctor? Why have you stopped moving?"

"The nanoseal broke. Shit! We'll have to stop!"

"DON'T YOU DARE STOP!"

*Nyota elbows Janice sharply*

"I have some more in my quarters, along with more lube, shall I go and get them?"

"Brilliant idea Uhura, in fact, why don't all of you go? Then we'll make sure that this ends well for allllllll of you ..."

"Let me go first!" *The girls stampede through and leave Sickbay deserted.*

"... Are they gone?"

*Bones looks around, and slides off the table, quickly dressing*

"Yep, now how the hell do we get out of here?"

"Emergency Jefferies tube! Go! Go!" *Jim pulls on his clothes, and hurries Bones to the corner of the room, where the entrance hatch resides*

"Quick move Bones! I think they're on their way back!"

"Going as fast as I can Jim!"

*Both clamber in and up out of sight, shutting it behind them, as the girls come back in.*

*They are escaping through the tunnels when they hear the girls return behind them*

"Hey, guys, we found 3 kinds of lube and these fun little toys I think you might wanna try out -- "

"Captain? Doctor? What the hell!?!"

*That's the last they hear before they move out of range*

"You know, I'm kindof enjoying this, Jim."

*Jim looks back over his shoulder at Bones, crawling behind him*

"Why's that?"

"Cause, damn, your ass from this angle is FANTASTIC! It makes me get ideas, Darlin'."

 

"Can the ideas wait till we get back to our quarters? Only I don't want them to find us!"

*Bones shudders*

"Definetly ... no way to escape if they find us in here."

"Right! Here's where we get out!"

*The hatch pops open and they tumble out, quickly looking rund the corridor in case the girls are nearby*

"No sign! Quick! Into the quarters!"

*They rush in, lock the door with the Captains AND CMO's code, then collapse on the bed in relief*

"Oh thank God ..."

"Jim ... next time, don't post a video of us having sex on the 'nets ... I don't think my heart can take the stress!"

"I promise Bones ... I'm too scared of what'll happen if the girls find it!"

"Which reminds me ... how are we going to get out of this jam Jim?"

*Cunning grin from Jim*

"Two words Bones: sex pollen."

"That's a myth Jim."

"All myths start somewhere! And we did have that away mission today ... you'll use your medical knowledge to bullshit it enough, and I'll use my captainly authority to make sure they don't question it."

"Fair enough ..."

*Jim rolls over onto Bones, and grins wickedly*

"Now ... what were you saying about my ass ..."

-x-x-x-x- THE END -x-x-x-x-