amine_eyes | "The Trials of one James Tiberius Kirk" 1/5?

Title: "The Trials of one James Tiberius Kirk - (Or, Five times he tried to have sex with Bones and failed miserably)"
Pairing: Kirk / McCoy
Rating: NC-17
Summary: All Jim wants is fantastic sex with Bones, is that so much to ask?
Beta: the wonderful

sororexitium :D
A/N: This is set in the same magical 'verse as "I'm so awesome!", "Had a good day Captain?" and "Work and relationships do NOT mix!" - namely, Admiral Sellick!Verse :D (God, I thought up a name for it xD)
Disclaimer: Do not own, yadda yadda etc etc

Jim was drunk.

No, really, he was god-damn smashed out of his skull, and he took an extra shot in celebration of being able to think that sentence vaguely coherently in his head.

Next to him on the floor sat Bones, steadily working his way through the bottle of bourbon that had been pilfered by Jim through his awesome ‘ninja skillz’ as he told Bones. Jim made a mental note to avoid Captain Pike for the next few days, just to ease off the suspicion of who might have been the one to break into his heavily-locked office, and even more heavily-locked liquor cabinet.

Really, Jim told himself as he shifted slightly on his backside in order to let some feeling work into it, it was as though Pike was asking cadets to try their luck at breaking in with that enhanced level of security. Music blared out on Bones’ speakers, glasses of unidentifiable alcohol littered the apartment, and Bones and Jim were collapsed against each other, having fallen over at some point in the evening and decided that the floor was the safest place to be.

Jim looked up and over at the man who had been grumbling at him since Day One of them meeting (seriously, he was all “Ooh, space is so baaad, you’re so weird and deranged for wanting to go there, my life is hellllll”, Jim was working on improving his general outlook on life – it was taking a while), and wondered in his mind how the fuck Bones managed to look so hot while wearing two days worth of stubble, the same stinking clothes that he’d staggered into his own apartment in after the hell shift at Starfleet Medical, stinking to high-heaven of gut-rot and bourbon, all the while bitching merrily about anything and everything that crossed his mind. Currently, he was ranting about the stupid fuck-ups that he’d had to perform surgery on today, and how the gene pool would be cleaner if only they’d actually managed to successfully beam their brains to another galaxy, instead of just half their asses. He was demonstrating this with wide sweeps of his arms, talking as much with his hands as his fuckable lips and tongue that kept darting out in order to get any bourbon that dared to cling to his glass, while continuing to rant. Jim stayed staring at Bones’ lips for a while, until he belatedly noticed that Bones had stopped talking, and was now waving a hand cautiously in front of Jim’s face in order to get his attention.

“Jim? Kid? Idiot? Anyone home?”

Jim shook himself, and grinned his ‘Me? Doing anything inappropriate? Not yet I’m not …’ grin that never failed to at least get him phone numbers, if not a new bed to sleep in for the night.

“I’m sorry, Jim Kirk’s not available right now; please leave a message after the tone … Beeeep!”

With a shake of his head and a rare grin, Bones laughed.

“Well, that explains why you were just talking about what I would be like as a kisser. I mean, really kid? You don’t have better things to talk about?”

Oh … I said that out loud … err recover recover recover –

“Well, you’re all Mr ‘McGrumpy-pants’ like, twenty-four seven which means that you’d probably be all tough ‘I don’t give a shit’ when you kiss, but you’re a doctor as well, so that would be the whole ‘I care for who I kiss so I’ll be nice and gentle’, but you could be hiding your true colours, so you could be a mix, or just shit, or amazing, I mean it’s not like – Mph!”

Jim’s babbling was cut off by Bones rolling his eyes and kissing him soundly on the lips, before pulling away with a sigh and another bloody eye-roll.

Well … that was unexpected …

“So? You happy now? Can I finish my drink in peace and quiet?”

Jim frowned, tongue running over his lips which had just been kissed by McGrumpy-pants himself, before he spoke, brow wrinkled in confusion.

“What the hell Bones? I’d have thought you’d have a bit more finesse than that, what with all those ‘Ole-South manners’ you keep bashing into my head. That was … abrupt, no chance of any proper scientific conclusions Bones there, none at all. Completely useless!”

Bones’ jaw dropped slightly, his glass heading to the floor un-noticed as he pointed at Jim in confusion.

“Firstly, how the fuck are you able to speak for that long and that … coherently, you’ve drunk enough alcohol to fell a full-grown Klingon! And secondly, why the fuck would I waste my ‘Ole-South manners’ on someone who’s clearly unable to app … appreciate the finer points of it!”

It was Jim’s turn to be in shock as he hauled himself to a vague sitting position that didn’t require Bones’ body to support him.

“Me? Unable to appreciate kissing and indeed all forms of sex? That’s completely wrong! That’s like saying … I dunno, Vulcans are regular guests on Oprah! It’s just wrong! So very, very wrong Bones!”

Bones waved away his argument with a derisive flap of his hands and a snort.

“Come on Jim, you boast about being the ladies, man’s, gender and/or species of choice man on campus, but it’s all crude. You wouldn’t know a proper Southern good-time if it did the dance of the seven veils in front of you.”

“You plan to teach me then Bonesy?”

“… What?”

Emboldened, Jim leaned forward until his breath and Bones’ mingled in the space between them.

“You say I wouldn’t know a ‘proper Southern good-time’” he mimicked in a horrible southern drawl, and from here he could see the individual muscles on Bones’ face crease in a grimace at the assault on his ears, “then why don’t you show me what I’ve been missing?”

“Kid, I’m a doctor not a sex-ed teacher, if you weren’t paying attention in the class of how to please someone, it ain’t my place to teach you …” Bones’ statement died off as Jim unveiled the big-guns. The patented Jim Kirk shit-eating grin no.42. The one that said ‘there’s no way you can even prove your sentence, or compete with my sheer awesomeness. In fact, if you give up now, I’m sure we’ll find better things to do with that appendage of yours’. The grin that could stop fights with anyone and turn it into awesome sex. Combined with the little knowing creases at the corners of his eyelids that would (did, and had – what an awesome night) make even Klingons capitulate to the temptation of kissing them away …

Jim watched with increasing glee as Bones visibly fought the temptation sitting just a few centimetres from his face. He watched the lines on Bones’ forehead furrow and his lips (and oh God what lips) tighten against leaning forward and attempting to wipe the smirk off Jims face, his pupils slightly widened at the thought of being the one to teach Jim how to have a ‘Southern good-time’. Yep, Bones was sunk. Completely and utterly. Now … for the killing blow …

Jim leaned forward, watching Bones swallow and shut his eyes, and spoke quietly with a hint of smugness in his voice, letting his breath ghost along Bones’ lips.

“Of course, if you’re not up to the challenge …”

Floor? How did you and my back become so abruptly re-acquainted?

Jim looked up to find Bones pinning him to the ground, his weight braced on his fore-arms and knees as he looked down at Jim beneath him, and Jim’s cock officially became part of the proceedings at the sinful tone coming out of Bones’ mouth as he spoke:

“You have no idea what you’ve let yourself in for …”

“Wanna bet?” Jim managed to say, cheeky to the last, as his mouth was abruptly covered with Bones’. Oh holy shit that was good, just enough pressure to make Jim aware that Bones was holding himself back, but soft enough to not leave bruises, moving slightly as they snuck in breaths in between long kisses. Jim was heady with the smell of alcohol, random deodorant that Bones had probably just nabbed from one of his co-workers as he got ready to leave the hospital, a slight smell of sweat underneath that. The stubble on Bones’ face was scratching Jim’s cheek, the music was still pounding, and Jim’s heart beat in time as he enthusiastically gave a non-verbal thumbs up to Bones’ prowess. Hands slid everywhere, legs hitched up as they ground against each other, both moaning out loud as their cocks hit – even under layers of clothing, the shocks and pressure was electric.

That’s it, clothes off NOW, Jim thought to himself, flipping them so that Jim had enough room to take off his shirt. His inner self fist-pumped the air at Bones’ dilated pupils and sudden gasp at seeing Jim’s body outlined in the light. His hands grabbed hold of Jim’s waist; one slid up his chest causing Jim to jump as it brushed against his ribcage, before it hitched around his neck and brought him downwards in one smooth motion, colliding their mouths in another hungry kiss. Jim happily complied, letting his own hands wander – one tangling in Bones’ adorably mussed up hair, while the other worked at the button on Bones’ jeans. Swearing, Bones jerked his hips up enough so that the jeans could be pulled down over his hips, and if his boxers happened to go at the same time? Well, that was a bonus. The room seemed to have heated up and closed in to just the two of them, the vibrations of the music thudding through the walls and the floor in time with their hearts as they kissed and groped and whatever the fuck Bones is doing with his tongue in my mouth, I want to learn it.

“God, fuck, Jim, clothes – now” Bones panted out as he snatched a breath, neither of them willing to break off exploring the others mouth in order to talk. Even Jim had given up being cocky, and merely groaned his assent as he reached for the hem of Bones’ t-shirt, while Bones’ fucking clever hands! fumbled with his belt and zipper, cursing as they broke apart enough to remove the final bits of clothes that were getting in the way of a good time.

“OH FUCK!” both of them swore as the heat of the other’s body could be felt all over them, arching into each other’s grip as they lay on the floor. Jim broke off the kiss long enough to gasp out “Bones – lube – where” as Bones’ hands swept and groped around his ass, and Bones swore, breaking the kiss.

“Wha? Bones, back here!” Jim said, reaching hungrily forward to continue the kissing, and Bones pulled back.

“No lube” he said, his deep drawl sending shivers up Jim’s spine, hands moving away from his ass to settle around the middle of Jim’s back.

“Okay, dry then, we’ll just need lots of spit, it’ll work, come on put those hands back!”

NO NO NO NO NO! Why is Bones pulling off, this is not how it’s supposed to go!! Bones had pushed himself up on his hands, and Jim slid to the floor, confusion showing on his face.

“Jim, there’s no way this is going any further if there’s no lube. I’m sorry, really, but it’s just not safe” Bones said, regret showing clearly on his face.

“Oh come on, it’s not that bad dry, sure it hurts, but then it is a penis going where things are meant to come out not go in! Come on, we can use hand cream, shower gel, it’ll be fine!”

Don’t you dare do this to me Bones; I was going to get laid!

“Hell no!” Bones replied, “There’s no way that’s happening. It’s not medically safe, and quite frankly, if there’s no lube, it’s not happening!”

The music continued thumping the floor as Jim swore loudly and profusely in his head about the stupid fucking sensibilities of stupid fucking Southern doctors who got a guy ready to fucking dry-hump his way to orgasm, and then refused to go any further. Wait, this could still be saved!

“What if I bought some?”

“Huh?”

Jim moved himself forward until he was sitting next to Bones.

“What if I went out right now, and bought some lube? We could have sex then?”

Bones’ face crinkled in slight confusion as he replied.

“Well, yeh, but Jim you don’t have to, I mean it’s not like it matters if we have sex, and besides, will there even be any shops open at this time of night … morning in order to buy some?”

Jim jumped up, dragging on his jeans and t-shirt, hopping on one foot to put on his sneakers as he replied.

“Bones, there is always somewhere open for sex; I’ll be back in thirty!” With that, Jim ran out of the door, pausing only to grab his wallet and key-card.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

Glittery, strawberry, cherry, pistachio – who the fuck wants pistachio flavored lube? Beer, menthol … where the fuck is the plain stuff? Jim thought to himself, browsing the shelves. Around him various drunk men and women – and was that, a blob?? – in varying states of undress furtively searched the shelves for things to make their night go smoothly, and Jim glanced along the shelves again for the third time, wondering if he was going to have to persuade Bones that glittery lube was the way to go. In his basket already sat a box of strong condoms, spermicidal gel (in case Bones had a hissy fit about the hygiene issue), a set of handcuffs (well, he’d lost the key to his own set, and they were half-price), and a bar of extra dark chocolate in order to calm his stomach, which had now decided to start protesting at the fact that Jim hadn’t eaten in the last six hours.

Ah hah! There you are! The plain lube was sitting by itself, looking rather pathetic – and it was even pronounced medically safe by Starfleet Medical, so Bones had no reason to complain. Whistling, Jim sauntered his way to the counter, grinning at the cashier as … well, Jim thought it was a he, it was hard to tell underneath the mass of hair, rang up Jim’s purchases with a bored air.

“Thirty dollars” the cashier said, holding out his hand for Jim’s card.

“What? I could get this for less than ten everywhere else! This is daylight robbery!” Jim spluttered, and the cashier deigned to actually look at him.

“You’re not everywhere else are you? Thirty dollars” the cashier said again, and Jim grumbled as he handed over his card, wincing internally as his hard-earned cash went in a blink.

Bones better be happy with this, he grumbled, stepping back outside, looking around for a taxi. Damn, nothing, he was going to have to walk. He started off back to Bones’ apartment, grumbling about daylight robbery, the sheer pig-headedness of Bones in wanting to do things safely – “the only thing that could be worse”, Jim said out loud as he crossed the intersection, “would be if it started raining.”

“Oh for fuck’s sake!” was yelled out in the night as the sky granted his wish, and promptly started chucking it down.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-

“Bones! I’m back!” Jim called out, staggering into the apartment, squelching his way through to the kitchen as he toed off his sopping sneakers. Stuffing them with newspaper in order to start drying out, he wandered through to the bedroom, chatting as he went.

“I got the plain lube, it’s even approved by Starfleet Medical, I also got condoms and spermicidal gel, AND some extra dark chocolate, so we can carry on where we left off, well, as soon as I’ve stripped and put these clothes on the dryer ‘cos it fucking tipped it down … Bones? Why aren’t you answering me?”

Jim got through to the bedroom, towelling his hair, and there was no sign of Bones. All that was there was a note on the pillow … Jim picked it up.

Jim, I’m sorry, but there’s been an accident at the Academy and I’ve been called in to do surgery – gonna stay and just start my next shift.

See you in ethics,

Leonard.

“FUCK you God!!”

"Part 2 ... Jim tries again ..."

Current Mood: creative
Current Location: Flat 34 :D
Current Music: Shuffley shizzle :D

Flat | Top-Level Comments Only

From:

petulant-min.livejournal.com

HAHA!
Oh, poor Jim, the forces are against him right there.
Floor? How did you and my back become so abruptly re-acquainted?
Killed me.
Canna wait for more :)

From:

"Red Arrows motto: Fly fast, fly high, ZOOM! (and let red stuff out)"

"The Trials of one James Tiberius Kirk" 1/5?

Page Summary

Style Credit

Expand Cut Tags